Happy Birthday Theta

How can something be so small, yet so large at the same time? When we look in a distance, we know the trees are large, we know the stars are gigantic, but to us, they are only tiny specs in the vastness of our perception. Our perception is the biggest con artist out there. What we believe, is so. We "know" the tree is large because we've seen it before. But is the universe infinite? It is, but not in a way that you think, or at least that I've thought. You know in cartoons where "Wylie coyote" paints a tunnel on a brick wall to deceive the road runner so that the road runner will smack into the wall thinking he can pass and then BOOM Wylie has caught his lunch, but no, the road runner passes right through, believing it a tunnel. Astonished, that coyote tries to walk through himself, knowing that the tunnel is not "real", and smacks right into the wall. Now there are 2 morals to this story. If only i could have seen it as a child.. 1. There is deception all around us. For a brief moment, you may have toyed with the notion that what if everything around me, was say, all a dream. Wasn't "real". If it is my dream, I can do anything I want. I can walk through walls, and I can fly. But then, that thought is interrupted by a phone call, or your screaming child because he just literally walked into a wall, and then you come back. But think for one minute, right now, from the moment you are born, you see the way people act around you, and you try to master your body, and imitate what they do,and what they are limited to. You are being programmed. Then life takes it toll and you are limited by beliefs of religion, and money, and taught how to "survive". Well this isn't about survival my friends. Be like the road runner, do not be deceived by that paint on the wall. There is no wall. and number 2. There is no deception. Once you can realize that you are truly in control of what you see, what you smell, what you hear, touch, taste, and "feel", then you cannot be deceived. What you believe is what you perceive. Once you realize the first part, that you are being deceived, accept it, and then simply choose something else. Explore your multidimensionality.
 Back to infinity. Sure there is a time/space continuum. Someone made that up, and someone else accepted it. That's all it takes.  ["It exists, if two people say it exists" -Albert Einstein ] But, you can go inside, without time or space, to infinity, and in an infinite amount of ways. For example, ill reference that cartoon again. Bugs bunny, being chased my Elmer Fudd the man that's trying to kill him, simply stops, reaches in his "pocket" and pulls out a black hole, throws it on the ground, and goodbye Elmer. Elmer falls in and Bugs just covers the black hole with dirt. That's kind of how our multidimensionality works. But that will be another blog... But my point of this blog, as if there is any point at all, I've been trying to have an OOBE (out of body experience). I am following a great website on how to prepare and properly meditate and reach that level of theta. Weird coincidence, as I've been trying to do this, for the past week, my husband gives me a Happy Birthday card yesterday. In it, it has all that mushy love stuff. He writes "I know it not your birthday....." He has no idea what changes I'm going through spiritually. How would he? We don't talk.. It was simply a card of apology that he hasn't been "attentive" to me lately, and thought the rest of the card was nice. But really, even if we had talked about these things i think, and whats going on, all the card would of had to say was "Happy Birthday" Weird....

Know thyself

"Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom." -Aristotle

That's the big puzzle. Who am I? Where did I come from? Where am I going? Why do I like the things I like? And why do the things that inspire me, inspire me? Is it some predetermined thing? Did I choose it before I came to earth? These are some questions that I might not get the answer to in this lifetime. That's fine with me. However, I learn more and more about myself everyday, but most importantly I learn that what mattered and intrigued me yesterday, doesn't today. So this blog is a note to self, a keeper of thoughts at a point in time, so that one day I'll look back and say "you were so dumb!"
I feel that I'm "growing new eyes". The things around me are looking more and more different everyday. I'm also noticing my body more and more. My fingers touching the keys, my eyes seeing the things around me, how my back and bottom form to the couch. I look at my 7 month old and watch as he studies his fingers, and grabs his toes in excitement. Am I going through the same things he's going through right now? Where did I lose sense of self? Or did I ever have it? He knows nothing of politics or money, or television or evil. He enjoys watching the snowfall, and the sound of the wind blowing. Its beautiful, its new. Thats exactly what it's like for me right now. I'm like doing a balancing act, one minute doing the dishes, to picking up the clothes, doing laundy, changing a diaper, washing the binky, stopping the cat from attacking the baby's toes, to stopping and having complete peace and silence and actually noticing that I am a separate being connected to something greater, that I'm all wound up in the environment and things around me, and I stop. I hold another life, a separate body, but the same light. It's so powerful. I used to feel all cooped up in this house, going crazy doing the housewife/ stay at home mom thing, wanting to get out, feeling that I'm missing something. But now I've realized that there is nothing out there. There's nothing I'm missing. I've found, or am finding, what I've been looking for. I swear I'll be able to move objects with my mind one day. I am so powerful, beyond comparison. I was meant to be born here and now! Look out world! Positive things are happening, beautiful, marvelous things!

Blogs, coffee, and the suppression of children

I'm starting to get why people start blogging, it's a bit addictive. I feel that the internet is a straight forward shot to the infinite knowledge of the universe. Just like meditating, but stronger. Throw your thoughts and ideas out there, and something will start happening. So here it goes universe, make it happen. I'm trying to get this coffee shop happening. I know it will happen if I want it, just like everything in my life. I mean everything that I've ever wanted somehow manifested itself into being for me. But I've learned to be more specific, and more careful for what I wish for. Which kind of goes back to my impulse or destiny thoughts. Sometimes things happen very quickly, and sometimes it takes some time. However, you can always get what you want, if you truely want it. But do i want to be specific?, or do I want to leave some things to chance? I like twists and turns and bumps in the road. I enjoy suprises and challenges, it keeps things interesting. But right now i know i need finances, or some sort of bartering arrangement to open this thing. I want this to be, or this will be the cornerstone for my community. This shop will be the foundation for the reinvention of greenfields residents and beyond. This shop will help the uninspired be inspired, it will make people see impossibilities as possibilities, and most importantly [to me], this shop will nurture the neighborhood's youth and show them that there is more to life than chasing a dollar. It will allow them to be kids, and to be creative, to explore their talents, and to have fun. In order for this world to work, we must do what we love, each and every one of us, and everything will fall into place. We need to get rid of our fears, and quit living life like there is always tomorrow and that we must enslave ourselves to a paycheck to live to get that one vacation a year. And thats just middle class. My family has never been on a "family vacation", yet we made too much money to receive food assistance, and never had food in the house. Its hard for me to live in the moment anymore. Ever since i had my second child in June, Ive been thinking more and more about the future. Thoughts like this, "What is this world going to look like when my kids are on their own? Are they going to be even more enslaved than we are, with a bigger false pretense of freedom? Is there going to be more drugs and violence? Less opportunity? Bigger pay gap? " These things worry me, and i hate to live with worry. Who are there peers going to be? Are they going to be more mindless than the peers we share today? Are they going to suppress my childrens indepence? Who will nurture them? But here what drives me... Only i can change this future. Only i can shape my community into something bright and promising. but i have to do it now.

impulse or destiny

December 3, 2007. I can remember this day, and this date for one reason. This is the day that i can now look back on and admit that i was a bit impulsive... scratch that, lets go back a little bit., or forward...

In 3 months and 13 days I will turn 25, and for some reason that's bothering me. I dont know if its the fact that i thought i was turning 24, and only about 3 weeks ago my husband reminded me that i was going to be 25. But to me, 25 is on the slope to 30, and on the slope to 30 is death, old age, boredom. I never cared about aging until lately. I used to argue with a friend who has dedicated his life to finding immortality that one day i wanted to die. that we dont deserve immortality, that everyone should age, and thats the way it supposed to be. but now, i think not...

Any who, getting to be 25, im looking at my place in life right now, and how i have gotten to be where i am. this was never my mode of thinking. i was just flighty, full of life, and never regarding circumstance or consequences. but im starting to reflect on how impulsive my decisions/ or choices (the better word) were. On that day, december 3, 2007, i was 19 years old and bought a house. I didnt care how i had gotten it. i didnt even think about the fact that i didnt put a nickel down, the fact that i worked at starbucks, and had no credit. i was just thinking that good things happened to good people, and positivity worked as a magnet for positive things. plus, a guy that i knew  was owed a favor by this other guy (the real estate agent). so it had to be legit. WRONG, i was the victim of mortgage fraud. i couldnt afford the mortgage payments. my cousin, (whom is one of my best friends, but not ideal to live with if you know what i mean) had to move in with me. oh and did i mention i had a 3 year old at the time. Which i guess is what im getting to...

Was i acting on impulse by moving from an asbestos infested one bedroom apartment with my 3 year old into the house of my dreams? (My dreams werent that big at the time, i had went to the prom with this kid, whose grandparents lived in this house, then they got shipped to an old folks home and VOILA for sale by owner, the house of my dreams!!) was it impulse or destiny?
is impulse part of destiny?
is impulse the core of destiny, and only when we put thoughtful measures into place do we fuck with destinys plan? is it coincidence that the landlord of that asbestos apartment just walked into starbucks as i was typing about it??